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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Wednesday the 13th

That's the day of the D&C. I hope it all goes according to plan. I am supposed to arrive at the at 6:30. Check in and go to the surgery prep. It'll take 2 hours, and the surgery will take about 30 min. Then into the recovery room and back home...wish me luck.

I am nervous since it's surgery and all surgery has risks. I'm not freaking out because it's not like it's open heart surgery. I am excited because it'll finally be over. I am optimistic because once the pain and cramping stops I'll finally get to start running again. My gift to myself after surgery...a sad movie and shopping for running pants at the outlet mall. The shopping will come after the sad movie.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Today

It started out normal, then it turned into one of those days when you notice that...

You get no credit for work you do.

People are better at criticizing you and shooting down your ideas than they are at finding new ways to solve problems.

and you want to start smoking again.

When I wanted to throw a tantrum and tell everyone off I just bottled everything up inside and cried in my car after work. I do not feel any better. Sometimes I hate the way life turns out.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

now what?

I did the pills again as planned and nothing happened. I actually had less bleeding with them rather than phase two of the miscarriage. So now I'll definitely be having the D&C that I've been working so hard to avoid. Bummer.

It seems all I spend my weekends doing is going to the hospital.

I'm ready to go camping and get out of the house and cell phone reception range. I'll go take a nice bath now.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Still? Really?

So it's been three weeks since I've learned that I've miscarried. It's been two weeks and 6 days since the medically assisted miscarriage. Last week I went in for an extra ultrasound because I was still in excruciating pain and didn't know why. Turns out there was still pregnancy tissue left inside my uterus. So Doc said lets let it sit for a week since I was still passing pieces. Now I'm not in constant pain, but it comes in waves a few times a day. I'm not passing pieces, but I am passing clots.

I went in for another ultrasound yesterday and the results came back today...Still have stuff from the pregnancy in me. I am one of the lucky 5% of women that do not have a successful medically assisted miscarriage....so here's the plan for this week. I'll take the Mesoprostol and see if it works before my scheduled D&C on the 11th. Lame. Really fucking lame. The symptoms were getting better. As it turns out, because the lining was still vascularized it has been growing. really? you're freaking kidding me right? nice.

In my conversation with my doctor I asked if she thought another try of Mesoprostol would work and she said no, she didn't think it would work. We could do it if I want but probably wouldn't make a difference. So I'm doing the Mesoprostol treatment again, and I've got the surgery scheduled for Monday...wow. We did this because she can't do the surgery till monday and she figured we could give it a shot and see if it'll work. So I'll cross my finger, toes, and eyes and hope this works. I do not want to go into surgery.

I'd like to be done with this, ya know. I've let go of everything physically and mentally, just not internally apparently. It hurts that this is still going on and it won't let me forget what has happened. I don't want to keep looking at these bloody reminders that I've just miscarried a baby. Hopefully the Mesoprostol works and I can be done with this. At the very least I know that it'll be done on the 11th. Lame.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Still

I'm still working through this fucking miscarriage. I thought it would be done by now. I went back to work today, on vicoden. I started feeling like I had the Flu then when I got home I laid down, cuddled into a blanket and started feeling like I was going to die. 5 Advil and 2 hydrocodone later I'm fine. I hope tomorrow isn't bad.

Monday, April 20, 2009

unexpected

Today I had some horrible cramps. I thought it was normal. I went to the store with my mom and helped her move some boxes then we went to visit Jessica. While I was standing there answering Jessica's question about how I'm physically feeling I felt something come out of me. Nothing has passed since that one day. I was so surprised. I went into the bathroom and sure as shit. Something I never thought I would see and know what I was looking at. It was the baby. Not a mistake possible. It looked nothing like what I had passed already. It was about an inch and a half long and inside of a translucent white-ish enclosure. There was a vein-ey thing coming off it, which I can only assume was the umbilical cord, or the start of it. and inside was a reddish purple thing. I did not inspect it beyond the closer look I took. I didn't touch it or anything. I just knew what it was. I was shocked. I came out of the bathroom in disbelief. I kept saying, I can't believe that just happened. Now I'm worried that there is More in there and I'll have to have a D&C.

everything that was like a dream

Whenever I've made a mistake or something has gone wrong I always move right into planning on how to fix it. My mind wraps around the problem till I figure out what went wrong, and how I can fix it, and how long it will take to be fixed.

I have never been in this situation. The problem isn't a result of a mistake or error I've made. I can't start working on it tonight and fix it by morning. I can't use my hands to fix it. I get this sensation that if I can figure it out it'll reverse it's self and before I know it I'll be pregnant again. Like I can pick up where I left off. It's stupid.

I feel regret like I made the decision for it to not work. I know I didn't. Since I've never had to deal with a consequence that wasn't a direct result of my decisions or another person's this is completely foreign to me. I hate it. I can make up for my own mistakes, I can make up for another person's mistakes. I can repair anything. I can't repair this and it is hard to deal with.

I feel like I should be working on it. It keeps me awake. I feel like I should be busy making plans so it doesn't happen again. I feel sick. I still have cramps. I remember how happy I was. Then I remember how sad I am and it gets ten times worse. It's like I was running through a wonderful field of flowers with unicorns and angels then tripped and fell into the bog of eternal stench. Just like that everything that was like a dream turned into a fucking nightmare.

I feel tired but I don't sleep. I feel hungry but I don't eat. I feel sad but I don't cry. I feel like fixing it, but it can't be fixed. This is what it's like to lose a baby. I never thought I would do this.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Thinking

It is pretty sad every time I remember where I am and what is going on. You know how sometimes a train of thought keeps you engaged so much that everything else in the world disappears and it's just that thing you're thinking about? Well that is what I keep doing. Get onto a track of something and do it so much that I can't think or remember. Then when I finish whatever I'm doing and it's time to sit back and relax, all I can remember is the feeling of pieces of my uterine lining falling out of me, or the fact that in a couple months I won't have a belly to talk about. It's just me now. Literally empty inside. It's really hard. I think I'm doing pretty good about freaking out all the time and moping around all day. But in those quiet times in the day when I'm not sleeping or doing something, I'm pretty fucking sad. I had been able to daydream about something wonderful. I had something to look forward to that was for sure and definite and awesome. Now I can try to look forward to things, but they are uncertain. I don't know that they will ever occur. We'll try again soon and I know I'll get pregnant again, we're two extremely fertile people. When that day comes that I get the positive pregnancy test back, I'll be happy and scared at the same time. Scared of this happening again. For right now I'm not going to think about being pregnant, and I'll try not to think about what I've just gone through last night. I'll think about what I'm doing or what I'm about to do. It's funny and disappointing at the same time... in my pregnancy nesting urge I organized the whole house. Now there is nothing left for me to organize compulsively anymore. I wish I would have been more sloppy. I wish I was still pregnant.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Medical advice, decisions & stupid questions.

When I found out that the pregnancy had ended and the next step was to decide how it would come out I never thought I would talk about it or acknowledge that it ever was. Of course those are the emotions of someone who has just been shocked with horrible news. A few days later and I've been thinking about it a lot, of course. I looked online and found thousands of stories of other people who had the same miscarriage my husband and I were about to have. And I thought, if it helps Aaron and I, then I could help some other woman when she needs help to understand and know what's coming around the corner. We, luckily, had Jessica my sister in law who had been through it three times. But what if I didn't know anyone who had gone through this? I hope a woman in that position can read what we went through and find the strength to know that she can get through it too. That being said this is what happened the day after Aaron and I found out, the day of decision making and incredible strength.
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My OBGyn office called around 10:00 to schedule the appointment, The woman on the other line greeted me by saying how are you doing today...I had been asked that by so many people and it made me so angry. Most people couldn't have known how I was actually doing and that the question was absurd, but this woman knew why I needed an appointment and she should have never asked me that question. I hesitated and said, "I don't know how to answer that question." She suddenly changed her tone and said, "yes, I understand. We can get you in at 11:50." I said OK and hung up abruptly.

That bitch
! How could she have the nerve to ask me how I'm doing?!?
I started to cry, then when Aaron asked what happened I could barely tell him through the sobs. He hugged me and calmed me down, but then I became incredibly angry. Fuming about how inconsiderate people can be. This was a common issue for my first day. It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing. I would go through shock, anger, and then sadness in a matter of a minute. Looking back at it, I am amazed I was driving a car while doing this. My mom must have been terrified as my only passinger

We got to the doctor's office and we were put into an extra room to wait. I don't think they want a sad couple with puffy eyes sitting in a room that is shared with happy pregnant women. I was happy they moved us. We waited in that room for about 40 minutes.

When my doctor did come in, all 6 months pregnant of her, she gave us a look of grief. A frown with a look of disbelief. She said how sorry she was and that I was doing so well. The same thing that everyone else said. The one thing she did say that nobody had said before was about me and the way I took care of my diabetes. She told me that I needed to put the diabetes risks out of my mind. I had been checking my blood sugars over 20 times a day and so responsible and on track and if she had any other diabetic patients she wished they would be like me and of any patient that had any high risk I was the last person she thought would have a miscarriage. And yadda yadda yadda. I don't remember it all. I was crying a lot. Aaron held my hand and rubbed my leg and smiled. He said, I told you that you were doing good. I guess I didn't believe it till she broke it down like that. I really did blame my control of diabetes pre-pregnancy for what happened. I still have my doubts, but I'm slowly letting that blame go.

Dr. Albrecht described what the pros and cons were for each way to manage this miscarriage. I sniffled most of the conversation. I sobbed a bit harder when she would name a procedure, "natural miscarriage"or "medically assisted miscarriage" and of course "dilate and scrape" All of them horrified me. They all had to deal with taking my baby's dead body out of my biologically alive but completely empty body. She described the chunks that I would see later that day. She commented on how it would look like ground beef. (which it didn't just so you know. ) Every punctuation mark in her voice would make me shudder. It all hurt. But she did bring my attention to the fact that many women go through this. Many of those women are not diabetic. My miscarriage was, in her medical opinion, a fact of life not a result of my poor planning and pre-pregnancy diabetic control. We scheduled a follow up ultrasound to verify that everything is out and that will happen in about a week.

The next stage was the hardest...Getting the medicine to have my miscarriage.

Friday, April 17, 2009

The miscarriage

My mom had arrived at our house before we had left the doctor's office. She had planned to stay the night with me since Aaron couldn't use any of his vacation time. The Navy is pretty strict about not being at work when you're supposed to be there. She waited on the porch while Aaron and I ran all over Everett to find a pharmacy that could fill the prescription before the next day. Looks like third time was the charm.

The pharmacist took my prescription and looked it over and at the instructions. She looked up at me and my puffy, just-been-crying-my-eyes-out, rosy face. She paused before she said anything with that "I know what this medicine is for" look on her stupid face. She said "It'll be about an hour." I said OK she then said the most un-intelligent thing possible... "Have a nice day." Can you believe that shit. Unbelievable! I barely made it out of Walgreen's before bursting into tears. Aaron had no idea what had happened. I just let him think what he already thought. I was still extremely upset. I couldn't talk anyway, it wasn't worth the suffocation and gasping for words to explain. We went home.

Mom was there, she came in and as I had hoped, she behaved as if nothing was wrong. I like that. I love it when an elephant is in the room and it is the kind that unhinges me, and nobody talks about it till I'm ready. When the information needed to be discussed I brought it up in my own pace and some how made it through the sentences. I have surprising strength sometimes. We had lunch, Aaron got ready for bed, and mom and I went out to get the medicine that would evacuate my uterus.

We went through the drive through. I didn't want to get out of the car again. The woman who brought up my prescriptions said she would have the pharmacist consult me. I told her not to bother, I had just left my doctor's office. I know what I'm doing. In all reality I had n idea what I was doing. But I'll be damned if I'm going to have another conversation with a person who will most likely say something stupid. We drove off into the rain and went home.

When we got home I wrote out all my emergency information for my mom in the event that I needed emergency help. The list went like this:

-Hospital name
-On Call doctor that knows me
-Full name
-My hone number
-Aaron's phone number
-Jessica's phone number
-My best friend's phone number
-OBGyn's phone number
-Social security number
-My OBGyn's name
-10 weeks pregnant
-Blood type A+
-Type 1 diabetic
-27 years old
The directions to the ER and all my medications for the day
-34 units of Lantus at 9:30
-Misoprostol to induce uterine contractions and cervical dilatation
-Promethazine for nausea as needed
-Hydrocodone for pain as needed

I wrote up a schedule so there was a journal of what time everything happened in case anything horrible happened, except for the expected of course, and mom would need to know what was taken when.

This is what the journal says:

2:30PM 4 Advil 800Mg.
3:30PM 1 hydrocodone & 1 promethazine by mouth, 4 misoprostol vaginally.
5:30PM No pain or cramping pushed pills up farther with tampon, left in for 30 min.
6:30PM Mild off and on cramping still light spotting.
7:00PM Constant first day of period type cramps heavier bleeding.
(I normally have horrible cramps that nearly need narcotic pain killers. It feel like arthritis in my hips and knees. So when I say normal cramps, they are pretty freaking bad.)
8:30PM some tissue and a full pad.
8:50PM 1 Promethazine and 1 Hydrocodone Mild pain through the first pills wearing off.
9:00PM A chunk about the size and consistency of 5 table spoons of mostly solid Jello, with 3 of the pills. Called on Call Doctor. He asked about what had come out yet and if it was the size of a golf ball or and orange. Decided to have me put them back in. I did not use a tampon this time since it could hold chunks in.
(The combination of 800 Mg. Advil every 8 hours and 1 hydrocodone has kept the cramping to nearly nothing. I am extremely surprised at how physically easy this is.)
10:00PM Cramping has accelerated. I held a heating pad on my lower back to soothe them while not moving and breathing slow and shallow. Every time I talked and lost focus the pain would throb through me. Very very bad cramping.
10:30PM 800Mg. Advil. Pain worse. 1 hydrocodone.
10:45PM 1 hydrocodone. Breathing hurts and I can't focus it away anymore. Alternating hot pad over my bladder and on my lower back.
11:00PM 1 hydrocodone. (total of 3 in this hour plus 800Mg. Advil)
11:30PM-12:30AM pain is gone. Sitting up and talking, it has helped a lot of things move. 4 large pieces came out. It's weird how they fall out. I don't feel anything move until it comes out of me into my pad. I'm surprised at how big they are. No wonder I was in so much pain. 4 pieces came out in that hour all of them approximately half the size of my palm and about 1/2 to 1/3 inch thick. Still like a slice of super firm Jello, not ground beef like my doctor described.
1:30-6:30AM Sleep. Completely saturated my pad and bled all over my ottoman. great.
6:30-6:40AM 1 Hydrocodone 1 promethazine. While cleaning I passed 3 more medium sized pieces.
7:00-10:00AM sleep.
10:00AM 1 Hydrocodone 800Mg. Advil passed 2 more pieces.

It was pretty much done after that. All that happened through that day was a little tissue and a lot of blood. By the end of the day it was a lite period and a residual cramping. I still am having the cramping. It is far more sharp than it ever has been for me. Almost like the time an ovarian cyst popped. If you've ever gone through it you'll know it's totally not easy to bear.

The thing that stands out to me from the whole event was how I thought the collecting of chunks wasn't as horrifying and emotional as I had expected. I was able to disassociate from it. Another thing was the way it felt to have a chunk come out. It was unlike any feeling I've ever had. Walking to the kitchen or sitting in my chair and suddenly there is a blob in my underwear. Seriously, just like that. No pain, and no feeling of it on it's way out. It's just there. Other than that, the pain was not extreme and the company of my mom was essential. I think if she hadn't been there I would have been a wreck. She kept me company and was there to listen to me when I described what happened. She wanted to know what I was feeling and I needed to talk about what was going on to process it. She also was great at distracting me from over thinking things.

A bad day for us

Yesterday I went in for my ultrasound that I had been anxiously waiting for. The news turned out to be exactly what I feared. The baby had died and Aaron and I would have to go through the most painful experience of our life's. Not just the physical pain of pushing out what was inside, but the pain of dealing with the loss.

At 8:30 Aaron and I arrived at the doctors office. We waited for our name to be called as I guzzled lemon flavored water. I remember the last time I wanted to throw up, the flavoring helps a lot.

We went into the room with the nurse and I told her I'd been spotting for 3 days and Dr. Albrecht's nurse said since there was no pain that it was probably fine and I was being seen by the high risk pregnancy specialists the next day anyway, so we'd just wait. I laid down on the table. The nurse tucked towels into my pants and shirt to keep them clean. She squirted the warm goo on my stomach and started looking for stuff. She pointed out that my ovaries looked great and normal, my bladder was quite full (which I knew all too well) and that she could see the baby very well with the external ultrasound. This I knew in my heart was a huge problem. I knew it. The baby should be an inch and a half, almost 2 inches long and obviously visible by external ultrasound.

The nurse said she needed to get the ultrasound wand from another room and she'd be right back...I also knew each room had it's own "ultrasound dildo" so I again was adding the horrible figures up in my head. "There is something wrong" I said to Aaron. "Each room has everything they need. She's getting the doctor not a tool." Then the nurse returned. She said Dr. Barfort likes to be present for these ultrasounds so they would begin when he was there, then she went into the hallway again. I looked at Aaron, "The doctors have never been present for an ultrasound. Something is wrong." And I started crying.

They returned and I laid back down, got into the gynecological pose, the most uncomfortable position in any place other than my bedroom. The nurse put the "magic wand" in and they looked for my uterus and it's embryonic sack...I saw it, I saw the baby, it was the same size that it was at my 6 week ultrasound, but I was 10 weeks pregnant. Dr. Barfort was fully engaged in the monitor and tapped his pen to the screen where the baby was. The nurse zoomed in on it and they took a measurement of the baby. he told her to place the heart beat monitor over the baby. Just after she lined it up a cardiogram, or whatever its called, came up. I watched a full bar form over the screen from left to right, almost like a profile of the earths layers of rock and dirt. It was completely flat. I clamped my eyes shut and twisted my head away from the monitor as far as I could. I wish I could have turned it farther. I opened my eyes as the doctor and nurse did other measurements. I looked at Aaron squinting at the monitor, he needs glasses but refuses to get them. He was trying to look at the screen that I wanted to be miles and miles away from.

The nurse started pulling the probe out of me. Dr. Barfort drew in a breath to recite those deadly horrible, yet true as north, words in his South African British accent. " I'm sorry but it is very bad news - " I immediately clammed up into a fetal position and sobbed "No. No. No." Aaron snapped out of his chair and held my head and petted me while whispering words to me. Kissing my head and being sweeter than I could have wished he whispered, "it's OK. We'll try again. I love you." and a dozen other hopefully helpful things. Dr. Barfort stroked my arm and shushed me like a crying baby. The nurse left immediately, I don't blame her.

After a few minutes Aaron said that I would have to sit up and get dressed. The doctor needed to talk to us still and I had to be strong right now. I slowly sat up, wiped a few tears and snot away and immaturely said, "That's easy for you to say, you don't have a dead baby inside you!" He instantly looked kilted and said "I'm sorry, this is all you isn't it!" I immediately realized Aaron just lost his baby too. I was so cruel to him in an instant of selfishness. Understandable, but still selfish. I apologized about six times and we hugged and I went into the bathroom and got dressed. While I was in there Dr. Andersen came in. He had been closely working with me since my time in the hospital in my 3rd week. He heard Dr.Barfort talking about me to the surgeon and he wanted to come and give his condolences. He said that I had been doing incredibly well and was a model diabetic in pregnancy and that I was doing so well and he was very very sorry. I had no idea what to say. I just nodded and said "thank you" or, "me too." As did Aaron. We were both in an awkward stage.

Dr. Barfort returned and he started talking about what comes next. I needed to decide if I wanted to pass it naturally or have a D&C. When he told me that I'd have to pick the bits out of my pads and keep them for testing I was horrified. I immediately started sobbing again and said over and over again that I couldn't do that. Aaron held me tighter and I sobbed into his shoulder "I can't pick pieces of our baby out of my underwear." He said, "OK, OK, you don't have to." Dr. Barfort said, "OK, I'll talk to the surgeon and we'll set up a time."

We went and waited in the hall for the surgeon and then went into a room to discuss what would happen now. He took note of what I wanted to do, which at that time was a D&C, directed me to not eat or drink and to ease up on any insulin use. He said we might be able to get in that day around 5 but possibly not till the Monday following the weekend. All I could think of when he said those things was that I had a dead baby inside me and I'd have to leave it there for days. A part of me wanted to cling to it and know that there was still a child in me. The other part of me wanted it out immediately and could only see it as a rotting piece of meat in my abdomen. The surgeon said he would call me once he knew when he could get me into surgery and we left it at that. At least when he left us he didn't say "have a nice day."

The only thing I remember about the drive home is Aaron rubbing my leg and holding my hand. He was a saint. All the words in the world could not soothe me. None of them in any infinite combination. All that he could do for me to make me feel better was to touch me, and he did. I am still grateful. We both sent out text messages telling our family that the pregnancy had ended. We stated that I did not want to talk to anyone about it. And thanked everyone for their thoughts. My phone instantly blew up from everyone texting me how sorry they were and if I wanted to talk they would be there for me. And they were praying for me. Exactly what I did not want. I wanted everyone to leave me the hell alone. Selfish? Maybe. Reasonable? Hell yes. I ignored them all for hours after reading the first one.

When we got home we hugged for a while. We whispered things to each other that I can't remember. I thanked him for being so sweet and he kissed my cheeks and wiped away my tears. It was like a moment in time that could have been so hard on our relationship as a married couple, but it wasn't. It was definitely a moment that made us stronger. Like standing there wound us tighter together like two tree trunks fusing together. We talked about me going to visit with Jessica. I said I needed to go talk to her, he asked if I was sure I wanted to leave, I said I didn't want to leave him, I needed to talk to someone who knows what will happen next. besides he was still up after working his graveyard shift at the navy station and needed to sleep.

When I got to Jessica and Brendan's house the first thing I saw was little Evelynn at the window slapping her hand on the glass ans smiling. She gets so excited when I come over. I came in, Jess said hi, and I picked up Evelynn and pretended to bite her tummy and she laughed. After I put her down Jess gave me a big hug and we sat down to talk. I explained to her basically everything I've already written here and she was in awe that my miscarriage is almost identical to one of hers. She has had three miscarriages. I give her more credit than I ever thought was needed. When I mentioned a D&C she immediately told me about the risk of scarring and how going through it naturally was easier than it sounded. This conversation went on for a couple hours and then we changed it up into less sad things. We had lunch, unpacked her kitchen and just talked like we always do, but with a different kind of closeness now.

I got a call from the surgeon, he said I could come in at 2 and have it done. I talked with him about changing my mind and he was fine with it and put in a message for my Doctor to set up a time for me to come in the next day.

Later when Brendan came home from work he came right over to me and gave me a hug. It was strange, but I knew he knew what I was going through. He and Jessica had done it three times before. It's the only reason I didnt' shove him away and tell him to leave me alone. Had it been anyone else I would not have welcomed any kind of physical touch.

Around 5:00 I was becoming exhausted and was ready to go home. So we said our good byes, evelynn even said bye bye and I went home to Aaron. While I drove home I called my mom and talked about it. It was a pretty short conversation since I didn't want to get into it too much more. Then I went inside and Aaron was just about to wake up after I got home so it was pretty good timing. I made some dinner for him and I and then called Gigi afterward. I only talked to three people. Jessica, My mom, and Gigi. In that order. Those were the only people who had any business talking to me that day. Sister in law with valulable advice, mom for obvious reasons, and my best friend of 15 years. Then Aaron and I went to bed.

It was hard to sleep since all I kept thinking of was that it happened. It wasn't a dream that I would wake up from, or a mistake that I could work hard to fix. I lost my baby. Aaron lost his baby. My moms and dad lost their grandchild. The family lost the new baby. I must remember that I am not the only one going through the loss.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Another day

So nothing special today other than a tiny drop of blood when I went to the bathroom. It totally freaked me out. I started shaking and my heat started pounding... then I got rational and talked myself down, saying to myself... It wasn't accompanied by excruciating cramps and clumpy bleeding, so I assume it's normal. So I did not call my doctor about it. But still dude, yeesh. Whats the last thing you want to see when you're having a desired pregnancy...blood.

Tomorrow I'm at 10 weeks. Time really is flying by.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

The doc appointment that never was


So here I am at 9 weeks, (though my doctor said I was at 10 weeks...I'm a little confused about it now. But I'm going with 9 weeks.) No big change, right? We'll see what happens next week.

I went into my doc's office exactly 1 minute late, which is good for us. I have been told that I need to have a full bladder in order to get a good ultrasound. I came in with a bladder that was so full it was lapping against my gag reflection, I thought I'd be sick! Only to have the lady behind the counter tell me that my appointment had been canceled. She looked into it further and found that I did indeed need o be seen that day and said she would fit me in but I'd need to wait half an hour or more. I came to the decision that I HAD TO PEE or I'd be sick. So I went half just to keep some in there. Then when I did get into the office they needed a sample from me, so I went again. Then by the time the ultrasound machine came out, there was not enough in there to reflect the sound waves...thus...no baby picture this week.

I am going back on Thursday and I'm not peeing till the baby wiggles!

Other than that, nothing much is really going on.

Spring cleaning

Not so much for spring, but for baby. We finally got around to cleaning out the spare room, condensing our closets, and spreading the wealth of furniture...rather than cramming it all into the art room.

What we got was a mostly empty future baby room (it's not completely done yet) an art room that is less cluttered, and a bed room with places to put stuff, rather than in a big pile on the window sill. Gone are the piles of stuff I never use. Squared away shelves that were over packed with photo albums and year books I rarely looked at. Cleaned out is the "extra crap room"...It feels so nice.

Aaron said it feels more like a home now that things are in a place that makes sense to use them. I'm so proud of our work. Aaron even sacrificed some valuable M's game time to sort out a box of old clothes. What a guy. He was working on it with me in the beginning but we quickly realized there were too many cooks in the kitchen so he played XBox and helped when I needed it. It was good that way.

I've been wanting to do this for about 2 months now. I feel good knowing it's done.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Visitation day


In Baby news...My Ultrasound is FINALLY tomorrow morning. I'm quite excited. I read that I should be able to hear the heart and the baby will be moving around. Jess said that Evelynn was shucking her thumb on her 9 week ultrasound....I'm excited!

Today I went down to Federal Way to visit my Sister-in-law Amy and see the babies. Well, Owen isn't quite a baby any more, but still. He said very little to me, but what he did say was quite exuberant..."Newmie!" It's Newman, one of their beagles. He is SO cute. The kid should be in magazines. Madeline, she has the BIGGEST eyes, bald as hell, and smiles for hours. Such a beautiful little girl.

I got there pretty late so I didn't stay long but it was a great time. Amy is good to talk to. Plus she's giving me all the baby stuff as they grow out of it. She gave me two tummy time play yards, a good solid stroller, a bath tub seat, some maternity clothes, the prized Bella Band, a boppy, an electric breast pump, some bottles, a couple books and a bouncer seat. She also assured me that the rest of the stuff that is in use will soon be mine when the kids are done with it. I may have forgotten something. It was a lot of much needed stuff.

I can hardly believe it. All the stuff I was worried about ever affording is coming to us from within the family. It's really amazing and a HUGE relief. Now I need to arrange it all so that I feel like some plan is unfolding, or that something is happening to set up for the future.

It's weird. This nesting thing is real. I've always been super organized, but now I feel compelled to organize a certain thing. Its the focus of my organization that is the new thing.

Then after that visit I went and hung out with Mom. We talked for a long time and had lunch then talked some more. Then I drove home. That was pretty much it. All in all a pretty nice day.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

More stuff


I've been having pretty regular blood sugar drops at around midnight. It seems like nothing helps it stay up for a few hours. I don't like it, especially when it happens at work. I get new symptoms of low blood sugar...such as a numb tongue, spotty vision, and extreme nausea...awesome right? well at least I know that much.

I've been hitting free cycle again. Today I picked up a glider chair for the baby's room. I really want a rocking chair but this is better than nothing. And if we replace it that's all the better. I'm picking up a crib tomorrow. We'll see if it's nice. If not, we'll just replace that too. Maybe I'll get the blankets and bag of clothes that are two sizes too big for me...for now... I'll keep looking every day for good stuff.

When I came home today from work I was so tired. I slept all the way home on the bus again. This time I did it knowingly. But when I got home Aaron had a question for me and apparently I did not want to answer any questions. Then I remembered that I had to go pick up that rocking chair and all I wanted to do was sleep. But I went out any way. cranky too. When I got home Aaron had a bath with the relaxing Epsom salt ion it and a candle lit. He said I had 20 min till dinner was ready...he also carried the rocking chair upstairs...what a Sweet guy right? He is great at noticing what would be super nice. I appreciate it a lot.

tomorrow I go visit Amy, Owen, and Madeline! I think Corey will be at work.

Bed time now...

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Also


only 3 more days till the ultra sound...

Here I am now, this is at exactly 8 weeks. Not much to show at all but a tiny TINY bit bigger than I used to be...

Hint: The only place I feel actual changes in, is BELOW the pooch in my stomach. haha That lump of jelly is just there for decoration!

Free

I have been collecting things for the baby as of this week. About a week ago I started getting serious about scouring Freecycle for every baby supply that it could give me.

So far I collected a wall shelf from Ikea that attaches to the wall so there is no worry about it falling over.

An Eddie Bauer travel diaper bag, it's giant and has a gel insulated bottle pocket. HOW COOL IS THAT???

A soother that is attached to the crib side WITH a remote control. It works on me too! I used it all night last night and for Aaron when he got home from work.

Also a medium sized basked for misc stuff.

Today I'm picking up a jacket that I should be able to wear in a few months...it's red!

I llove freecycle. For one, I get free stuff and give free stuff, second, there is less stuff getting wasted in the city. I like that too.

Monday, April 6, 2009

My calender is so SLOW

It feels like forever but the ultrasound is still DAYS away. How can it only be Monday?

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Letters on the go

So since Aaron and I have such opposite schedules, and never have a note pad anywhere, we leave notes on the computer for each other. This is one I got this morning...

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Good morning princess!!!
Last night was long and I almost fell asleep driving. Not too busy, just for a little bit. Buster came and ran up to me when I walked in the back door. It was a change from Lloyd. He was very cute and is at my ankle right now. Purring away. I'm about to crawl in bed with you as go to sleep. I hope you have a great day at work. I love you soooo soooo much. You are doing a wonderful job taking care of yourself and the baby. I am very proud of you.

Kisses and shit,
Aaron

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We're so sweet to each other sometimes!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Keirah and stuff

I went to visit Joy and Keirah today. First of all to visit with Joy and the baby, but also to pass on some exercise supplies and wedding planning info. Keirah ended up barfing on me a couple times and one time I didn't even notice. haha Joy grabbed a rag before I even noticed my hand was dripping with partially digested breast milk......yum! I guess I passed that test, huh? She is getting so big now, and smiling too!

My finger nails are SO long and strong now. Like NEVER before! If I ever wanted anything remotely like them I'd have to pay 15 bucks every other week for the maintenance. I just wish my hair would grow that fast. I'm sure it'll catch up soon.

The only physical changes other than chub growing around my "muffin top" is that area between my hip bones above my bladder. It used to be sunk in lower than my bones...now it's protruding, just barely, but still. I'll chalk that up to my grapefruit sized uterus and not a big ol' baby.

A few days ago I felt a twitter, like a cross between a muscle twitching at random and a stomach gurgle. Like a gurgling twitch. Never felt it before. I immediately thought it was those flutters you feel in early pregnancy. But then I remembered that it was WAY too soon to feel anything and it must have been something else. Who knows what, but something.

And now....BACK TO SLEEP!!!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Insurance

They made me angry today. It's almost resolved, but not yet. An insurance person shouldn't be allowed to "interpret" my prescriptions, decide they are incorrect, and then refuse coverage for the aforesaid prescription.... EVER!!!!! On a plus side, I can change my insurance coverage for my pregnancy and it will cost, including Dr. visits and ultra sounds and everything, $25. I think that's a pretty good deal.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

8 weeks and feeling fine....


As long as "fine" means extremely tired all the time. That's about what (s)he looks like right now.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

So tired 3/31/09

Yesterday in an effort to conserve gas I took the bus. On the way home I started to read my book. When I noticed I was no longer retaining any information but rather rolling my eyes behind my own eyelids I put the book down. I must have looked like I was having a mild seizure. I looked across the isle (I was on the side facing seats in the front) and the woman who must have been about 7 months pregnant gave me a knowing smile as she glanced back and forth. She feels my pain. :) Then I proceeded to fall asleep, almost immediately, in my own lap. I woke up in South Everett. I slept for a little over an hour. I awoke to a sore neck and the pregnant woman across the isle asleep too! I came home and drank 1/2 cup of old nasty coffee and was functional for a few more hours but then I dropped, nearly dead, in bed.

New Doc appointment on the 10Th and I'm officially at 8 weeks tomorrow!


In week 7... 3/25/09


Through Week 6 and into week 7 I started eating weird food, had to pee before bed, in the middle of the night, and first thing in the morning...that's a lot of pee.

I'm tired more than ever in my life..and I've had mono too!

We saw the heart beat twice.



I finally drank half a cup of diet coke...It was delicious.

Realized that I am too emotional and when I think everyone hates me I'm probably wrong. Aldo, just because Aaron doesn't like a name I picked out, it doesn't mean he thinks I'm stupid and never should have married me. It just means he doesn't like that name.

Reading the "Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" has validated my claims and Aaron's.

Aaron made it to all three appointments, even after PT.


I have become overly organized, which isn't a bad thing.

Finally, I don't have extreme nausea, just some queasiness...but I do have gas that rivals Aaron...Awesome!

So I'm 7 weeks Pregnant 3/22/09

Normally I like butter and sugar free syrup in my plain oatmeal...but I've actually really enjoyed Ketchup and hot sauce in it... It started as a solution out of desperation due to the hospitals completely un-palatable muck. I HAD to eat it, I'd already taken the insulin for it, but there was nothing yummy to mix in with it...except some ketchup. So I did and Aaron almost threw up watching me eat it with strange satisfaction. At home I added the hot sauce, and it was GENIUS! Now I'm craving it almost every day. Aaron thinks it's disgusting. I don't blame him. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. haha!

All the side effects can't be as good as good as getting bigger boobs!

...P.S. it's about the size of a raspberry right now!!!