Thinking

It is pretty sad every time I remember where I am and what is going on. You know how sometimes a train of thought keeps you engaged so much that everything else in the world disappears and it's just that thing you're thinking about? Well that is what I keep doing. Get onto a track of something and do it so much that I can't think or remember. Then when I finish whatever I'm doing and it's time to sit back and relax, all I can remember is the feeling of pieces of my uterine lining falling out of me, or the fact that in a couple months I won't have a belly to talk about. It's just me now. Literally empty inside. It's really hard. I think I'm doing pretty good about freaking out all the time and moping around all day. But in those quiet times in the day when I'm not sleeping or doing something, I'm pretty fucking sad. I had been able to daydream about something wonderful. I had something to look forward to that was for sure and definite and awesome. Now I can try to look forward to things, but they are uncertain. I don't know that they will ever occur. We'll try again soon and I know I'll get pregnant again, we're two extremely fertile people. When that day comes that I get the positive pregnancy test back, I'll be happy and scared at the same time. Scared of this happening again. For right now I'm not going to think about being pregnant, and I'll try not to think about what I've just gone through last night. I'll think about what I'm doing or what I'm about to do. It's funny and disappointing at the same time... in my pregnancy nesting urge I organized the whole house. Now there is nothing left for me to organize compulsively anymore. I wish I would have been more sloppy. I wish I was still pregnant.