everything that was like a dream

Whenever I've made a mistake or something has gone wrong I always move right into planning on how to fix it. My mind wraps around the problem till I figure out what went wrong, and how I can fix it, and how long it will take to be fixed.

I have never been in this situation. The problem isn't a result of a mistake or error I've made. I can't start working on it tonight and fix it by morning. I can't use my hands to fix it. I get this sensation that if I can figure it out it'll reverse it's self and before I know it I'll be pregnant again. Like I can pick up where I left off. It's stupid.

I feel regret like I made the decision for it to not work. I know I didn't. Since I've never had to deal with a consequence that wasn't a direct result of my decisions or another person's this is completely foreign to me. I hate it. I can make up for my own mistakes, I can make up for another person's mistakes. I can repair anything. I can't repair this and it is hard to deal with.

I feel like I should be working on it. It keeps me awake. I feel like I should be busy making plans so it doesn't happen again. I feel sick. I still have cramps. I remember how happy I was. Then I remember how sad I am and it gets ten times worse. It's like I was running through a wonderful field of flowers with unicorns and angels then tripped and fell into the bog of eternal stench. Just like that everything that was like a dream turned into a fucking nightmare.

I feel tired but I don't sleep. I feel hungry but I don't eat. I feel sad but I don't cry. I feel like fixing it, but it can't be fixed. This is what it's like to lose a baby. I never thought I would do this.