Medical advice, decisions & stupid questions.

When I found out that the pregnancy had ended and the next step was to decide how it would come out I never thought I would talk about it or acknowledge that it ever was. Of course those are the emotions of someone who has just been shocked with horrible news. A few days later and I've been thinking about it a lot, of course. I looked online and found thousands of stories of other people who had the same miscarriage my husband and I were about to have. And I thought, if it helps Aaron and I, then I could help some other woman when she needs help to understand and know what's coming around the corner. We, luckily, had Jessica my sister in law who had been through it three times. But what if I didn't know anyone who had gone through this? I hope a woman in that position can read what we went through and find the strength to know that she can get through it too. That being said this is what happened the day after Aaron and I found out, the day of decision making and incredible strength.
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My OBGyn office called around 10:00 to schedule the appointment, The woman on the other line greeted me by saying how are you doing today...I had been asked that by so many people and it made me so angry. Most people couldn't have known how I was actually doing and that the question was absurd, but this woman knew why I needed an appointment and she should have never asked me that question. I hesitated and said, "I don't know how to answer that question." She suddenly changed her tone and said, "yes, I understand. We can get you in at 11:50." I said OK and hung up abruptly.

That bitch! How could she have the nerve to ask me how I'm doing?!? I started to cry, then when Aaron asked what happened I could barely tell him through the sobs. He hugged me and calmed me down, but then I became incredibly angry. Fuming about how inconsiderate people can be. This was a common issue for my first day. It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing. I would go through shock, anger, and then sadness in a matter of a minute. Looking back at it, I am amazed I was driving a car while doing this. My mom must have been terrified as my only passinger

We got to the doctor's office and we were put into an extra room to wait. I don't think they want a sad couple with puffy eyes sitting in a room that is shared with happy pregnant women. I was happy they moved us. We waited in that room for about 40 minutes.

When my doctor did come in, all 6 months pregnant of her, she gave us a look of grief. A frown with a look of disbelief. She said how sorry she was and that I was doing so well. The same thing that everyone else said. The one thing she did say that nobody had said before was about me and the way I took care of my diabetes. She told me that I needed to put the diabetes risks out of my mind. I had been checking my blood sugars over 20 times a day and so responsible and on track and if she had any other diabetic patients she wished they would be like me and of any patient that had any high risk I was the last person she thought would have a miscarriage. And yadda yadda yadda. I don't remember it all. I was crying a lot. Aaron held my hand and rubbed my leg and smiled. He said, I told you that you were doing good. I guess I didn't believe it till she broke it down like that. I really did blame my control of diabetes pre-pregnancy for what happened. I still have my doubts, but I'm slowly letting that blame go.

Dr. Albrecht described what the pros and cons were for each way to manage this miscarriage. I sniffled most of the conversation. I sobbed a bit harder when she would name a procedure, "natural miscarriage"or "medically assisted miscarriage" and of course "dilate and scrape" All of them horrified me. They all had to deal with taking my baby's dead body out of my biologically alive but completely empty body. She described the chunks that I would see later that day. She commented on how it would look like ground beef. (which it didn't just so you know. ) Every punctuation mark in her voice would make me shudder. It all hurt. But she did bring my attention to the fact that many women go through this. Many of those women are not diabetic. My miscarriage was, in her medical opinion, a fact of life not a result of my poor planning and pre-pregnancy diabetic control. We scheduled a follow up ultrasound to verify that everything is out and that will happen in about a week.

The next stage was the hardest...Getting the medicine to have my miscarriage.