Medical advice, decisions & stupid questions.

When I found out that the pregnancy had ended and the next step was to decide how it would come out I never thought I would talk about it or acknowledge that it ever was. Of course those are the emotions of someone who has just been shocked with horrible news. A few days later and I've been thinking about it a lot, of course. I looked online and found thousands of stories of other people who had the same miscarriage my husband and I were about to have. And I thought, if it helps Aaron and I, then I could help some other woman when she needs help to understand and know what's coming around the corner. We, luckily, had Jessica my sister in law who had been through it three times. But what if I didn't know anyone who had gone through this? I hope a woman in that position can read what we went through and find the strength to know that she can get through it too. That being said this is what happened the day after Aaron and I found out, the day of decision making and incredible strength.
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My OBGyn office called around 10:00 to schedule the appointment, The woman on the other line greeted me by saying how are you doing today...I had been asked that by so many people and it made me so angry. Most people couldn't have known how I was actually doing and that the question was absurd, but this woman knew why I needed an appointment and she should have never asked me that question. I hesitated and said, "I don't know how to answer that question." She suddenly changed her tone and said, "yes, I understand. We can get you in at 11:50." I said OK and hung up abruptly.

That bitch! How could she have the nerve to ask me how I'm doing?!? I started to cry, then when Aaron asked what happened I could barely tell him through the sobs. He hugged me and calmed me down, but then I became incredibly angry. Fuming about how inconsiderate people can be. This was a common issue for my first day. It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing. I would go through shock, anger, and then sadness in a matter of a minute. Looking back at it, I am amazed I was driving a car while doing this. My mom must have been terrified as my only passinger

We got to the doctor's office and we were put into an extra room to wait. I don't think they want a sad couple with puffy eyes sitting in a room that is shared with happy pregnant women. I was happy they moved us. We waited in that room for about 40 minutes.

When my doctor did come in, all 6 months pregnant of her, she gave us a look of grief. A frown with a look of disbelief. She said how sorry she was and that I was doing so well. The same thing that everyone else said. The one thing she did say that nobody had said before was about me and the way I took care of my diabetes. She told me that I needed to put the diabetes risks out of my mind. I had been checking my blood sugars over 20 times a day and so responsible and on track and if she had any other diabetic patients she wished they would be like me and of any patient that had any high risk I was the last person she thought would have a miscarriage. And yadda yadda yadda. I don't remember it all. I was crying a lot. Aaron held my hand and rubbed my leg and smiled. He said, I told you that you were doing good. I guess I didn't believe it till she broke it down like that. I really did blame my control of diabetes pre-pregnancy for what happened. I still have my doubts, but I'm slowly letting that blame go.

Dr. Albrecht described what the pros and cons were for each way to manage this miscarriage. I sniffled most of the conversation. I sobbed a bit harder when she would name a procedure, "natural miscarriage"or "medically assisted miscarriage" and of course "dilate and scrape" All of them horrified me. They all had to deal with taking my baby's dead body out of my biologically alive but completely empty body. She described the chunks that I would see later that day. She commented on how it would look like ground beef. (which it didn't just so you know. ) Every punctuation mark in her voice would make me shudder. It all hurt. But she did bring my attention to the fact that many women go through this. Many of those women are not diabetic. My miscarriage was, in her medical opinion, a fact of life not a result of my poor planning and pre-pregnancy diabetic control. We scheduled a follow up ultrasound to verify that everything is out and that will happen in about a week.

The next stage was the hardest...Getting the medicine to have my miscarriage.

The miscarriage

My mom had arrived at our house before we had left the doctor's office. She had planned to stay the night with me since Aaron couldn't use any of his vacation time. The Navy is pretty strict about not being at work when you're supposed to be there. She waited on the porch while Aaron and I ran all over Everett to find a pharmacy that could fill the prescription before the next day. Looks like third time was the charm.

The pharmacist took my prescription and looked it over and at the instructions. She looked up at me and my puffy, just-been-crying-my-eyes-out, rosy face. She paused before she said anything with that "I know what this medicine is for" look on her stupid face. She said "It'll be about an hour." I said OK she then said the most un-intelligent thing possible... "Have a nice day." Can you believe that shit. Unbelievable! I barely made it out of Walgreen's before bursting into tears. Aaron had no idea what had happened. I just let him think what he already thought. I was still extremely upset. I couldn't talk anyway, it wasn't worth the suffocation and gasping for words to explain. We went home.

Mom was there, she came in and as I had hoped, she behaved as if nothing was wrong. I like that. I love it when an elephant is in the room and it is the kind that unhinges me, and nobody talks about it till I'm ready. When the information needed to be discussed I brought it up in my own pace and some how made it through the sentences. I have surprising strength sometimes. We had lunch, Aaron got ready for bed, and mom and I went out to get the medicine that would evacuate my uterus.

We went through the drive through. I didn't want to get out of the car again. The woman who brought up my prescriptions said she would have the pharmacist consult me. I told her not to bother, I had just left my doctor's office. I know what I'm doing. In all reality I had n idea what I was doing. But I'll be damned if I'm going to have another conversation with a person who will most likely say something stupid. We drove off into the rain and went home.

When we got home I wrote out all my emergency information for my mom in the event that I needed emergency help. The list went like this:

-Hospital name
-On Call doctor that knows me
-Full name
-My hone number
-Aaron's phone number
-Jessica's phone number
-My best friend's phone number
-OBGyn's phone number
-Social security number
-My OBGyn's name
-10 weeks pregnant
-Blood type A+
-Type 1 diabetic
-27 years old
The directions to the ER and all my medications for the day
-34 units of Lantus at 9:30
-Misoprostol to induce uterine contractions and cervical dilatation
-Promethazine for nausea as needed
-Hydrocodone for pain as needed

I wrote up a schedule so there was a journal of what time everything happened in case anything horrible happened, except for the expected of course, and mom would need to know what was taken when.

This is what the journal says:

2:30PM 4 Advil 800Mg.
3:30PM 1 hydrocodone & 1 promethazine by mouth, 4 misoprostol vaginally.
5:30PM No pain or cramping pushed pills up farther with tampon, left in for 30 min.
6:30PM Mild off and on cramping still light spotting.
7:00PM Constant first day of period type cramps heavier bleeding.
(I normally have horrible cramps that nearly need narcotic pain killers. It feel like arthritis in my hips and knees. So when I say normal cramps, they are pretty freaking bad.)
8:30PM some tissue and a full pad.
8:50PM 1 Promethazine and 1 Hydrocodone Mild pain through the first pills wearing off.
9:00PM A chunk about the size and consistency of 5 table spoons of mostly solid Jello, with 3 of the pills. Called on Call Doctor. He asked about what had come out yet and if it was the size of a golf ball or and orange. Decided to have me put them back in. I did not use a tampon this time since it could hold chunks in.
(The combination of 800 Mg. Advil every 8 hours and 1 hydrocodone has kept the cramping to nearly nothing. I am extremely surprised at how physically easy this is.)
10:00PM Cramping has accelerated. I held a heating pad on my lower back to soothe them while not moving and breathing slow and shallow. Every time I talked and lost focus the pain would throb through me. Very very bad cramping.
10:30PM 800Mg. Advil. Pain worse. 1 hydrocodone.
10:45PM 1 hydrocodone. Breathing hurts and I can't focus it away anymore. Alternating hot pad over my bladder and on my lower back.
11:00PM 1 hydrocodone. (total of 3 in this hour plus 800Mg. Advil)
11:30PM-12:30AM pain is gone. Sitting up and talking, it has helped a lot of things move. 4 large pieces came out. It's weird how they fall out. I don't feel anything move until it comes out of me into my pad. I'm surprised at how big they are. No wonder I was in so much pain. 4 pieces came out in that hour all of them approximately half the size of my palm and about 1/2 to 1/3 inch thick. Still like a slice of super firm Jello, not ground beef like my doctor described.
1:30-6:30AM Sleep. Completely saturated my pad and bled all over my ottoman. great.
6:30-6:40AM 1 Hydrocodone 1 promethazine. While cleaning I passed 3 more medium sized pieces.
7:00-10:00AM sleep.
10:00AM 1 Hydrocodone 800Mg. Advil passed 2 more pieces.

It was pretty much done after that. All that happened through that day was a little tissue and a lot of blood. By the end of the day it was a lite period and a residual cramping. I still am having the cramping. It is far more sharp than it ever has been for me. Almost like the time an ovarian cyst popped. If you've ever gone through it you'll know it's totally not easy to bear.

The thing that stands out to me from the whole event was how I thought the collecting of chunks wasn't as horrifying and emotional as I had expected. I was able to disassociate from it. Another thing was the way it felt to have a chunk come out. It was unlike any feeling I've ever had. Walking to the kitchen or sitting in my chair and suddenly there is a blob in my underwear. Seriously, just like that. No pain, and no feeling of it on it's way out. It's just there. Other than that, the pain was not extreme and the company of my mom was essential. I think if she hadn't been there I would have been a wreck. She kept me company and was there to listen to me when I described what happened. She wanted to know what I was feeling and I needed to talk about what was going on to process it. She also was great at distracting me from over thinking things.