Wednesday the 13th

That's the day of the D&C. I hope it all goes according to plan. I am supposed to arrive at the at 6:30. Check in and go to the surgery prep. It'll take 2 hours, and the surgery will take about 30 min. Then into the recovery room and back home...wish me luck.

I am nervous since it's surgery and all surgery has risks. I'm not freaking out because it's not like it's open heart surgery. I am excited because it'll finally be over. I am optimistic because once the pain and cramping stops I'll finally get to start running again. My gift to myself after surgery...a sad movie and shopping for running pants at the outlet mall. The shopping will come after the sad movie.

Today

It started out normal, then it turned into one of those days when you notice that...

You get no credit for work you do.

People are better at criticizing you and shooting down your ideas than they are at finding new ways to solve problems.

and you want to start smoking again.

When I wanted to throw a tantrum and tell everyone off I just bottled everything up inside and cried in my car after work. I do not feel any better. Sometimes I hate the way life turns out.

now what?

I did the pills again as planned and nothing happened. I actually had less bleeding with them rather than phase two of the miscarriage. So now I'll definitely be having the D&C that I've been working so hard to avoid. Bummer.

It seems all I spend my weekends doing is going to the hospital.

I'm ready to go camping and get out of the house and cell phone reception range. I'll go take a nice bath now.

Still? Really?

So it's been three weeks since I've learned that I've miscarried. It's been two weeks and 6 days since the medically assisted miscarriage. Last week I went in for an extra ultrasound because I was still in excruciating pain and didn't know why. Turns out there was still pregnancy tissue left inside my uterus. So Doc said lets let it sit for a week since I was still passing pieces. Now I'm not in constant pain, but it comes in waves a few times a day. I'm not passing pieces, but I am passing clots.

I went in for another ultrasound yesterday and the results came back today...Still have stuff from the pregnancy in me. I am one of the lucky 5% of women that do not have a successful medically assisted miscarriage....so here's the plan for this week. I'll take the Mesoprostol and see if it works before my scheduled D&C on the 11th. Lame. Really fucking lame. The symptoms were getting better. As it turns out, because the lining was still vascularized it has been growing. really? you're freaking kidding me right? nice.

In my conversation with my doctor I asked if she thought another try of Mesoprostol would work and she said no, she didn't think it would work. We could do it if I want but probably wouldn't make a difference. So I'm doing the Mesoprostol treatment again, and I've got the surgery scheduled for Monday...wow. We did this because she can't do the surgery till monday and she figured we could give it a shot and see if it'll work. So I'll cross my finger, toes, and eyes and hope this works. I do not want to go into surgery.

I'd like to be done with this, ya know. I've let go of everything physically and mentally, just not internally apparently. It hurts that this is still going on and it won't let me forget what has happened. I don't want to keep looking at these bloody reminders that I've just miscarried a baby. Hopefully the Mesoprostol works and I can be done with this. At the very least I know that it'll be done on the 11th. Lame.

Still

I'm still working through this fucking miscarriage. I thought it would be done by now. I went back to work today, on vicoden. I started feeling like I had the Flu then when I got home I laid down, cuddled into a blanket and started feeling like I was going to die. 5 Advil and 2 hydrocodone later I'm fine. I hope tomorrow isn't bad.

unexpected

Today I had some horrible cramps. I thought it was normal. I went to the store with my mom and helped her move some boxes then we went to visit Jessica. While I was standing there answering Jessica's question about how I'm physically feeling I felt something come out of me. Nothing has passed since that one day. I was so surprised. I went into the bathroom and sure as shit. Something I never thought I would see and know what I was looking at. It was the baby. Not a mistake possible. It looked nothing like what I had passed already. It was about an inch and a half long and inside of a translucent white-ish enclosure. There was a vein-ey thing coming off it, which I can only assume was the umbilical cord, or the start of it. and inside was a reddish purple thing. I did not inspect it beyond the closer look I took. I didn't touch it or anything. I just knew what it was. I was shocked. I came out of the bathroom in disbelief. I kept saying, I can't believe that just happened. Now I'm worried that there is More in there and I'll have to have a D&C.

everything that was like a dream

Whenever I've made a mistake or something has gone wrong I always move right into planning on how to fix it. My mind wraps around the problem till I figure out what went wrong, and how I can fix it, and how long it will take to be fixed.

I have never been in this situation. The problem isn't a result of a mistake or error I've made. I can't start working on it tonight and fix it by morning. I can't use my hands to fix it. I get this sensation that if I can figure it out it'll reverse it's self and before I know it I'll be pregnant again. Like I can pick up where I left off. It's stupid.

I feel regret like I made the decision for it to not work. I know I didn't. Since I've never had to deal with a consequence that wasn't a direct result of my decisions or another person's this is completely foreign to me. I hate it. I can make up for my own mistakes, I can make up for another person's mistakes. I can repair anything. I can't repair this and it is hard to deal with.

I feel like I should be working on it. It keeps me awake. I feel like I should be busy making plans so it doesn't happen again. I feel sick. I still have cramps. I remember how happy I was. Then I remember how sad I am and it gets ten times worse. It's like I was running through a wonderful field of flowers with unicorns and angels then tripped and fell into the bog of eternal stench. Just like that everything that was like a dream turned into a fucking nightmare.

I feel tired but I don't sleep. I feel hungry but I don't eat. I feel sad but I don't cry. I feel like fixing it, but it can't be fixed. This is what it's like to lose a baby. I never thought I would do this.